DEAR MESS, I DREAD THE CHUPACABRA

Dear Mess,
I am facing what might be considered one of the most common phobias for those of us who live in the Texas Hill Country: yes, I believe I have developed an irrational fear of the dreaded chupacabra. My biggest problem is my analyst continues to tell me that this fear will deepen and even become worse if I don't face my fear. So how the hell do a find a fucking chupacabra so I can face my fear? My apartment complex is not exactly a hangout for the chupacabra and no one seems to know how to find one of those goat sucking fuckers? HELP!

-Uncomfortable In the Hill Country

Dear UITHC,
Why on earth do you refer to a fear of a fictional animal as IRRATIONAL? I am suddenly reminded of the scene from Ghostbusters when that dude is asked to imagine the approaching evil as a form familiar and comforting to him, and viola! There's that giant Stay Puff Marshmallow Man!
Sadly for you, there's nothing even remotely cute about the dreaded C. Perhaps it will help you to know that when the bodies of these dead C's were examined, they turned out to be coyotes with mange. According to Dr. Consuela Guadalupe Lourdes De La Luna Garcia Marquez Schwartz, who is a Folkloric Animal Research Tech ( FART) at The Texas A&M, the legend of the C is one familiar to people of the Texas and Mexico regions, and just as Loch Ness has it monster and Tibet has the abominable snowman and New York has Al Sharpton, each area of the country and world has a largely horrifying and unexplainable creature. But, our dear friend, let's look at your particular situation. You say you live in an apartment complex. Most C's attack goats, which would imply of course a more rural locale than yours. Ask some of your neighbors or your resident manager if they have ever seen C's roaming the vicinity. Of course, don't act shocked when you are not invited to any holiday parties. You could, we suppose, get your hands on a mangy coyote but they are not very friendly animals. Or you could dress up as a goat and spend a few nights at a ranch in Blanco, but that's not practical. Be brave, and do as much research on the C as you can. Armed with enough information, your intellect will hopefully let you rise above the fear. Have you and your therapist thought that perhaps this fear is a metaphor for another worry or obsession you may be going through? Sometimes a chupacabra is just a chupacabra, but sometimes, in the Fruedian sense, it's something else. Good Luck!