Dear Wiry Chipotle Mesh or whatever your name is,
As a prominent member of the Fredericksburg Area Tabernacle and Church of the Redeemer Our Christ the King (FATCROCK), issues of faith and the soul matter deeply to me. Your prolific reputation as a wise sage in all things spiritual compels me to seek your advice.
My pastor at FATCROCK, Rev. Wayne King Sod, told us a couple of months ago that Christ personally told him animals have souls. This confuses me a little because our previous pastor had told us that animals were soulless and important, much like rocks or Catholics.
Anyway, my golden retriever, Dan Quayle, was given some of my prime reserve of vintage Boone's Farm Tickle Pink while I wasn't present by a rather bad person. He got horribly drunk but I will spare you the details. Now he gets terribly excited by the slightest whiff of Boone's Farm, leading to loss of bladder control and indoor accidents.
Now that I know pets have souls, I am worried that my cherished Dan Quayle will end up in hell due to his boozing. Please give me some tips on conducting a faith-based intervention for a golden retriever.
Sincerely,
Wentworth P. Massengill III
As a prominent member of the Fredericksburg Area Tabernacle and Church of the Redeemer Our Christ the King (FATCROCK), issues of faith and the soul matter deeply to me. Your prolific reputation as a wise sage in all things spiritual compels me to seek your advice.
My pastor at FATCROCK, Rev. Wayne King Sod, told us a couple of months ago that Christ personally told him animals have souls. This confuses me a little because our previous pastor had told us that animals were soulless and important, much like rocks or Catholics.
Anyway, my golden retriever, Dan Quayle, was given some of my prime reserve of vintage Boone's Farm Tickle Pink while I wasn't present by a rather bad person. He got horribly drunk but I will spare you the details. Now he gets terribly excited by the slightest whiff of Boone's Farm, leading to loss of bladder control and indoor accidents.
Now that I know pets have souls, I am worried that my cherished Dan Quayle will end up in hell due to his boozing. Please give me some tips on conducting a faith-based intervention for a golden retriever.
Sincerely,
Wentworth P. Massengill III
Dear Mr. Massengill III,
Your situation touched me deeply, as you have both a major spiritual dilemna and a potential dead fucking dog.
I know Rev. Sod, and while we don't always see eye to eye on everything, I agree with him that SOME animals have a soul. Just like SOME people have a soul. He's right on about rocks and Catholics, though. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Now, your dog has a soul. Unfortunately, he also has a liver that does not require any large amount of wine to kill him. I must say what a gargantuan waste of some fine wine, when he'd probably be just as happy with Night Train, Thunderbird, or Strawberry Hill. I consulted with an expert in animal substance abuse, Dr. Shante Strugis of the Christian University Mission For Animal Rehabilitative Training (CUMFART) and she had this advice. It's a sort of aversion therapy. Fill the Boone's Farm Tickle Pink (oh god, the waste...) with the most repulsive liquid you can come up with. Kay Bailey Hutchinson's sweat would be perfect, for example.The next time he goes for the tickle pink he's gonna wind up tickled sick. And one other thing, UIW will be having a blessing of the animals today at 5. Take Dan Quayle there, and get on your knees and pray as if your pet's life depends on it. Substance abusing animals are a serious matter. Dr. Sturgis showed me some videos of a crystal meth addicted turkey who got so high he stuffed himself, wrapped himself in tin foil, and put himself in the god damn oven. It will takes months to get the image out of my head. Hey, Boone's Farm today, the hard shit tommorrow. Don't fret about your dog going to Hell - Hell is for children. Let us know how it works for you. - Mess
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