THE 2009 MESSY AWARDS, ROUND ONE

Let's give a big juicy Texas round of applause to the winners of the 2009 Messy Awards. These awards are bestowed upon those who shocked, revolted and bewildered us in 2009. There truly was a seemingly endless list of nominees, so this is far from inclusive. The winners are those who Mess and his editorial board found particularly hideous. But, in the interest of fairness, there's a couple of GOOD hot messes included. It was bad, but not ALL bad.

MOST FRIGHTENING POTENTIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE:
That would be Sarah Palin. Of course. If one can't complete one's duty as Governor, quitting instead to become a media darling with no substance and dragging along a pathetic prop of a disabled child with her, one is not suitable for presidential duties. Mess can totally understand her appeal to a White Trash voting bloc, however. And she is the first female candidate who has become a masturbatory fantasy to some men. At least I hope she's the first. Hard to think Hillary floated anybody's boat. Oh, Sarah honey, if you don't think there's global warming I invite you to come to San Antonio for a god damn summer.

MOST OUT OF CONTROL POLICE FORCE:
SAPD. Right here in River City, chickens. Just this past week we had a dirty narcotics cop and a shoplifting Sergeant. Week before that it was a drunken deputy leaving the accident scene. And there were the 9 cops named in a Federal suit for that kooky little bust on the lesbian couple where it turned out the cops were in the wrong house, and then before that there was the cop who was stalking his ex, and then before that was the cop who shot and killed the victim, not the perps, and then..........................

MOST CONVINCING CASE FOR THE SANCTITY OF HETERO MARRIAGE:
Lord Jesus, this was an awfully tough one. We had Marky Mark Sanford, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen and on and on and on but Mess had a vomit fest over JON and KATE GOSSELIN.

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A CHILD SUPPORT ROLE:
Sir Elton John. Elton tried to adopt a baby from one of those countries no one ever heard of (in the Brangelina/Madonna style) but was denied. This, however, did not stop him from financially supporting the kid. So, in a world where we have a website devoted to the worst deadbeat Dads, the Crocodile Rocker deserves a big wet sloppy Messy.

WORST USE OF A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE:
President Obama. Just for getting Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton to shake hands? Or was it the beer blast with the cop and Gates? Mess thinks the award was rather, shall we say, premature? Like handing out Oscars during the pitch meeting?

MOST OVER RATED CELEBRITY DEATH:
You knew this one! Michael Jackson. Not for the thunder he stole from our beloved Farrah, but for the sheer insanity and hysteria that was seen in everyone from adolescent fans to insane politicians wanting to create a national day of mourning. The good news was that it got LaToya out of the house for a few dinners.

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS:
Watching Texas emerge from the Dark Ages with Annise Parker being elected Mayor of Houston. Nice to be known for something other than the death penalty and big hair.

BEST PERFORMANCE DURING A DEPRESSION:
Texas, and San Antonio in particular. Either the wolf got lost on the way to our door or he's just tied up in traffic. We don't really know. We fared much better than the rest of the country but we felt it and still feel it. Let's hope...