WE SURVIVED! THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
THE 2009 MESSY AWARDS, ROUND ONE
Let's give a big juicy Texas round of applause to the winners of the 2009 Messy Awards. These awards are bestowed upon those who shocked, revolted and bewildered us in 2009. There truly was a seemingly endless list of nominees, so this is far from inclusive. The winners are those who Mess and his editorial board found particularly hideous. But, in the interest of fairness, there's a couple of GOOD hot messes included. It was bad, but not ALL bad.
MOST FRIGHTENING POTENTIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE:
That would be Sarah Palin. Of course. If one can't complete one's duty as Governor, quitting instead to become a media darling with no substance and dragging along a pathetic prop of a disabled child with her, one is not suitable for presidential duties. Mess can totally understand her appeal to a White Trash voting bloc, however. And she is the first female candidate who has become a masturbatory fantasy to some men. At least I hope she's the first. Hard to think Hillary floated anybody's boat. Oh, Sarah honey, if you don't think there's global warming I invite you to come to San Antonio for a god damn summer.
MOST OUT OF CONTROL POLICE FORCE:
SAPD. Right here in River City, chickens. Just this past week we had a dirty narcotics cop and a shoplifting Sergeant. Week before that it was a drunken deputy leaving the accident scene. And there were the 9 cops named in a Federal suit for that kooky little bust on the lesbian couple where it turned out the cops were in the wrong house, and then before that there was the cop who was stalking his ex, and then before that was the cop who shot and killed the victim, not the perps, and then..........................
MOST CONVINCING CASE FOR THE SANCTITY OF HETERO MARRIAGE:
Lord Jesus, this was an awfully tough one. We had Marky Mark Sanford, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen and on and on and on but Mess had a vomit fest over JON and KATE GOSSELIN.
BEST PERFORMANCE IN A CHILD SUPPORT ROLE:
Sir Elton John. Elton tried to adopt a baby from one of those countries no one ever heard of (in the Brangelina/Madonna style) but was denied. This, however, did not stop him from financially supporting the kid. So, in a world where we have a website devoted to the worst deadbeat Dads, the Crocodile Rocker deserves a big wet sloppy Messy.
WORST USE OF A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE:
President Obama. Just for getting Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton to shake hands? Or was it the beer blast with the cop and Gates? Mess thinks the award was rather, shall we say, premature? Like handing out Oscars during the pitch meeting?
MOST OVER RATED CELEBRITY DEATH:
You knew this one! Michael Jackson. Not for the thunder he stole from our beloved Farrah, but for the sheer insanity and hysteria that was seen in everyone from adolescent fans to insane politicians wanting to create a national day of mourning. The good news was that it got LaToya out of the house for a few dinners.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS:
Watching Texas emerge from the Dark Ages with Annise Parker being elected Mayor of Houston. Nice to be known for something other than the death penalty and big hair.
BEST PERFORMANCE DURING A DEPRESSION:
Texas, and San Antonio in particular. Either the wolf got lost on the way to our door or he's just tied up in traffic. We don't really know. We fared much better than the rest of the country but we felt it and still feel it. Let's hope...
JOE DALLESANDRO
Happy 60th birthday to the infamous Little Joe of Lou Reed's hit record "Take A Walk on the Wild Side". The Pensacola, Florida native was a nude model and hustler before he broke into the world of film as Andy Warhol's leading man.
TAVERN ON THE GREEN: 1934-2009
A New York landmark for 75 years will serve its last meal tonight. The restaurant at its epoch made $38 million in one year. http://www.tavernonthegreen.com/
MICHAEL LEMOYNE KENNEDY
Son of Robert and Ethel Kennedy, Michael died on this day in 1997 in a ski accident in Aspen, Colorado. He was 39. He's shown here with wife Victoria Gifford. In 1997, the news broke that Michael Kennedy was having an affair with the family's former babysitter. Allegedly, the affair had begun three years before when the babysitter was fourteen years old, and Kennedy was placed under investigation for statutory rape. However, the babysitter did not cooperate with prosecutors Shortly after the scandal began, Michael Kennedy and his wife separated. After the affair, Michael Kennedy checked himself into a rehab center for alcoholics.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
HEIDI FLEISS
It's The Hollywood Madam's 43rd birthday today. Here she is wearing a tribute to Ling Ling. We always thought she looked like the love child of Sheryl Crow and Frances Mcdormand. Anyhoo, slip Big Mama a little something extra when you drop off your envelopes tonight, ladies.
LING LING
The first Panda that China gave to the United States passed away on this day in 1992 from heart failure at The National Zoo, in Washington, DC. She was 23, but in human years it's about 70.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
STAY TUNED FOR THE 2009 MESSY AWARDS
2009 has had its share of messes, hasn't it? Well, these have not gone unnoticed by yours truly.
So, in the spirit of the Emmys, the Oscars and the Grammys, we will be presenting the MESSYS.
Start casting your votes below for the biggest hottest messes of 2009!
MARIANNE FAITHFULL
One of music's most amazing survival stories, the iconic Marianne Faithfull turns 63 today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-H55V_oma0
FREDDIE HUBBARD
The legendary jazz trumpeter passed away on this day in 2008 at the age of 70 after a heart attack.
Monday, December 28, 2009
SURREAL ESTATE: THE WORK OF RUSSELL BROWN
Mess woke up in a sinus medication induced fog this morning and had to rub his eyes a few times at this deal. 405 West French Place, designed by Russell Brown, who developed Houston's mega-exclusive River Oaks neighborhood, is on the market for $800K. The 6 bedroom, 5 bath 4335 square foot palazzo on half an acre is chock full of original details, although it could use a little fluffing up.
The price includes not only a detached 3 car garage with quarters above but also a seperate income producing duplex house. Throw in a pool, and Mess would be thrilled to call this his new headquarters. All donations are appreciated! Listed with Courtney Silver of Coldwell Banker.
http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/405-W-French-Pl_San-Antonio_TX_78212_1111515872
JERRY ORBACH
A New York "living monument" left us on this day in 2007 at the age of 69 from prostrate cancer. The actor was best known for his role as Detective Lennie Briscoe in Law & Order.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
BILL GOLDBERG
Happy 43rd birthday to pro-wrassler Goldberg. The native of Tulsa, OK. was raised by a concert violinist and a Harvard educated doctor. He's an animal rights advocate and very distant cousin of Whoopi.
PERCY SUTTON
The San Antonio, Texas native passed away today at the age of 89. He was the attorney for Malcolm X, owner of the first black owned radio station in New York, and a Manhattan borough president.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
PHIL SPECTOR
Shown here with former wife Ronnie in better days, the "Wall Of Sound" innovator turns 69 today, in prison for murdering actress Lana Clarkson.
CURTIS MAYFIELD
Friday, December 25, 2009
EARTHA KITT
The one of a kind chantuese left us on this day in 2008 at the age of 81.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwcDlxn1LKs
Thursday, December 24, 2009
MESSY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!
No room at the inn? Well, at least they have cocktails....and speaking of cocktails, here's a little holiday tidbit for y'all with lots of love from Mess! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjFMBsppBVc
RICKY MARTIN
Happy Birthday to the San Juan, Puerto Rican born Enrique Martin Morales. He turns 38 today.
CHARLES ATLAS
The man whose name became synonymous with body building passed away on this day in 1972 at the age of 79. Born Angelo Siciliano, Atlas promised his program could "make you a man in just 7 days. " Rocky Horror Picture Show fans will recognize that line!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
MADAM C.J. WALKER
Born on this day in 1867, Walker was the first female self-made millionaire in The Guiness Book of Records. She rose from poverty to become the head of the largest black owned business in the USA. Walker passed in 1919 at the age of 51, turning her business over to her daughter.
BILLY BARTY
The diminutive actor and little people activist passed away on this day in 2000 at the age of 76.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
LADY BIRD JOHNSON
The former First Lady was born in Karnack, Texas on this day in 1912. She left us in 2007 at the age of 94.
BUTTERFLY MCQUEEN
The actress who played in Gone With The Wind, The Women, Mildred Pierce and Duel in the Sun passed away on this day at the age of 84 in Augusta, GA after a fire in her home.
Monday, December 21, 2009
STEERS, BEERS AND QUEERS VERSION 2.0
Yup, many of us "queers" are tickled pink that Houston has a gay mayor, but is the question "where do you want to go for vacation, Key West or Houston?" going to emerge from any gay mouths this year? The Houston Visitors Bureau is hoping.
www.visithoustontexas.com/mygayhouston/
CAPTION THIS!
Leave it in the comments below! Mess KNOWS y'all have something to say about this one!
ALBERT KING
One of the greatest electric gee-tar pickers ever, Albert King passed away at 69 of a heart attack on this day in 1992.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEgF54xkzG4
Sunday, December 20, 2009
FOSTER BROOKS
Comedian Foster Brooks, television's favorite drunk, passed away on this day in 2001 at the age of 89.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bA4_FPmn6A
Saturday, December 19, 2009
SURREAL ESTATE: MONASTERY WITH SORDID HISTORY HITS THE MARKET
Every realtor will tell you they have a unique, one of a kind property. Well, this realtor ain't kidding! The site of the defunct and disgraced Christ Of The Hills Monastery in Blanco, Texas is on the market for $787,500. The 105 acre spread includes a cemetery and some of the original buildings. The monastery has a sordid history of sexual abuse, suicide and a phony weeping icon.
Bring your architect and your exorcist! Proceeds from the sale are going to one of the abuse victims. Here's a link to the listing://www.trulia.com/property/photos/1092466388--Trainer-Wuest-Blanco-TX-78606
Friday, December 18, 2009
IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME...
Here's a promotional pic for RuPauls upcoming show that will air on LOGO February 1.
Thanks to DListed, one of Mess's "can't live without" blogs.
KIRSTY MACCOLL
The former lead singer of The Pogues died on this day in 2000 at the age of 41 in a boating accident off Cozumel, Mexico. Here's a clip of The Pogues Christmas song, "Fairytale of New York". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCr30OVMjHA
Thursday, December 17, 2009
ANOTHER LONG HAIRED BOY EXPELLED FROM A TEXAS SCHOOL
This time it's an adorable 4 year old called Tater Tot, whose parents say he wants to grow his hair long and donate it to cancer patients. Write to the school at http://www.mesquiteisd.org/index.asp and ask them what Jesus would do. Mess already did.
(IN)FAMOUS FROM SAN ANTONIO
This one was more of a local celebrity of sorts, although he received national attention. Anybody remember?
MILLA JOVOVICH
The Ukranian born supermodel, sci-fi actress, singer/songwriter and fashion designer turns 34 today.
GROVER WASHINGTON JR.
The legendary saxophonist passed on this day in 1999 at the age of 56 from a massive heart attack.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
THIS IS WHY WE ALWAYS FOLLOW THE RULES
A man and his daughter-in-law are facing felony charges after a routine traffic stop led police to a whole lot of marijuana. Officers pulled the pair over around 10 p.m. Monday in the 100 block of West Martin for failure to signal while changing lanes. Once pulled over, officers discovered 95 pounds of marijuana hidden in a back panel of their van and underneath the vehicle. 44-year-old Hugo Villarreal and 18-year-old Mary Velenzuela are now in police custody.
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